


Affection Without Consent

by AlixZin



Series: Alex and Lin [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anger Management, Angst, Foster Care, FosterDadLin, Gen, Hamilton has anger isssues, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Character Death, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9176818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlixZin/pseuds/AlixZin
Summary: Alex realizes he's come to love his foster dad Lin. So naturally, he starts lashing out at him. How dare he worm his way into his affection without his consent?!





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Foster Dad Lin Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6616012) by [ohNooOOOOoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohNooOOOOoo/pseuds/ohNooOOOOoo). 



> This probably works as a stand alone, but I'd highly recommend reading the last two stories in the series first (Harder and Wave of Care). The second one, Wave of Care, was written entirely for the purpose of setting this one up. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer: This story includes the character Lin-Manuel based upon his personality traits, however I am in no way suggesting it to be the actual man. It's a character.

_“You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibilities to steal into my affections without my consent.”- Alexander Hamilton_

It’s morning in the Miranda household and once again Alex is kicking it off by shouting endlessly at his foster dad about… nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of the things he yells about mean anything to him, not that anyone would be able to tell based on the way he goes at it. This has become a new morning tradition after Vanessa leaves for work and before Alex goes to school.

So what exactly is going on? It all started with the days following his first severe migraine while living with the Miranda’s when Alex realized how much he has come to care for and trust Lin. In fact, he adores him. Absolutely adores him.

Alex had never consented for their relationship to develop into anything more than grudging respect, which was all he had been willing to give the first few months. His first severe migraine they witnessed and everything that followed changed that. There’s just no backtracking after being engulfed in that level of affection. Or being toted from appointment after appointment with Lin and Vanessa taking notes of everything the doctors say, or them diligently monitoring/tracking his symptoms and treatment, or how Lin talked him down during his epic public freak-out (that may or may not have involved hysterical screaming in a crowded hospital lobby) when getting a series of brain scans to confirm there was nothing more going on. It’s the little things too, the day to day moments of affection and care. The way he’s included in the Miranda family on their outings and holiday traditions as if he’s always belonged. How Lin seems to genuinely care about his interests and writings. It’s all these things and more. When it comes to loving Lin, he wasn’t given much of a choice and Alex hates that.

Alex hasn’t felt any kind of affection for another person since the cousin that took him in while still on Nevis, whom he had been so desperate to trust following the trauma of his mother’s death. At the time, Alex had needed love and affection so badly he would have gladly given it to anyone who showed him a small amount of kindness. That had been a mistake. The fallout from his cousin’s sudden and violent suicide that left him with nothing led to his resolution that no one was to be trusted, and the first few foster families he encountered after coming to America only cemented those beliefs. The realization that he’s accidentally allowed himself to develop such an affection for Lin is terrifying and, more importantly, rage inducing. 

He pretty much only lets this out when they’re alone. When he would be most at Lin’s mercy if he finally snapped (god knows he’d deserve it) is when Alex is the shitiest to him. Despite not having any ground to stand on Alex can always find some stupid reason to release his rage at Lin. What’s baffling to him though is that Lin has yet to fight back or do anything about it. Alex hasn’t been punished for his behavior at all. That alone is terrifying. It’s like a bubble is building and the more it’s allowed to grow the worse the fallout will be. He just wants to get it over with. Alex already knows what his therapist would say about this: he’s testing Lin to see if he truly is to be trusted, as if he’s daring Lin to prove him wrong. Which is exactly why he sits glowering in the chair and refuses to talk during the majority of his social services insisted therapy sessions.

\---

Lin in turn can’t figure out why Alex seems to _hate_ him so much seemly out of nowhere. What did he do? No one else seems to be subjected to his fits of rage but him.

The first time it happened it was just a few lines of shouted anger followed by a full-blown panic attack, leaving Lin thinking it was just a onetime occurrence. He was wrong. The next day it happens again, only the panic attack that followed was less severe.  And again the next day. Each time the yelling increases and the subsequent panic decreases. It’s not quite every day, but close enough. It continued this linear trendline until the panic stops altogether and all that’s left is the rage. It’s not that Lin wants Alex to panic, but this sudden lack of remorse for his actions gives him pause.  In the early stages of whatever this is Alexander would beg for forgiveness for the nasty things he said, which Lin was always happy to provide no questions asked. Now there are no retractions.

The weirdest part though is that Lin finds himself frequently doubting how genuine Alex’s anger actually is. Sure, once Alex gets himself worked up to a certain state it becomes very real, but before that the anger seems so manufactured. It’s like Alex was playing some bizarre game with himself or rehearsing the role of irate teenager that he’s workshopping on Lin.

It is because of this that Lin is at a loss of what to do. At first, he goes out of his way to placate and indulge him, in such a way that most therapists would say was not ideal parenting, but it makes no difference. Alexander could demand the stars from the sky, have them rapid delivered and still be pissed off. Such were his moods.

At one point, he secretly recorded parts of it on his phone as proof for Vanessa to listen to as she just couldn’t believe that their shy Alex could be as bad as he claimed. Alex would have an absolute fit at the invasion of privacy if he knew, but hey, at least once it would be nice to be yelled at for something that was warranted.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that boy’s head Lin. You’re his favorite,” Vanessa says in exasperation after he plays her the recording. It really is a doozy.

“Well, clearly not anymore!”

“Maybe that’s part of the problem. Alex doesn’t know how to properly express affection for you so he’s taking it to the other extreme.”

“How does that work?”

She sighs. “I’m not a therapist Lin-Manuel, but you know who is? Your mother. Why don’t you talk to her? Didn’t she even specialize in working with kids in foster care at one point? We really should be talking to her about this.”

The truth is he hasn’t yet gone to his Mom with any of Alex’s issues even though she would have been the logical choice, especially with his past abuse and anxiety. They had first started the home study process of applying to become foster parents right before finding out Vanessa was pregnant and Hamilton production getting a full green light. Though they hadn’t planned it that way the application just happened to go through and lead to a placement around the time that Sebastian was born and rehearsals for Hamilton were in full swing. Them still going along with it had led to a lot of raised eyebrows from friends and family. With a troubled teenager, no less! This attitude just made them defiant and determined to prove everyone wrong. Thus, while his parents quickly came to adore Alex, Lin had never asked his mother for help because doing so meant admitting they weren’t handling it.

And they were. They could handle the malnutrition, the past abuse and trauma (the exact details of which are still foggy), his trust issues, his anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, frequent nightmares, migraines, and poor health. They could handle that all without help. Truly. That’s what he keeps telling himself anyway. But this… He doesn’t even know what to call it. Teenage angst? Rage issues? This is turning into the final drop that spills the pot over.

\------

Alex’s enraged voice fill his parents living room before his Mom suddenly reaches forward to turn off the cell phone recording. She’d heard enough.

“Well, our Alexander’s certainly got a lot of pent up rage there, doesn’t he?” she says conversationally. Lin really appreciates how calmly she took him coming to her, and how she didn’t turn it into a bigger deal than it needed to be.

“It felt like things were going so well for a while there. Alex and I seemed to have such a great relationship, then it just took a turn out of nowhere. I keep trying to rack my brain to figure out what I did wrong. I just don’t know what happened. I don’t know what to do.” It’s hard to admit these things to his mom, but it’s nonetheless true.

“You get that you probably didn’t do anything, right? It could be that you had a long honeymoon period and now that he’s comfortable with you aspects of his personality he kept hidden are being allowed to come out. Or it could have been something totally innocuous that triggered him. With this kind of trauma he’s experienced truly anything can be a trigger, a random word or object.”

That’s not exactly reassuring.

“Or…” Lin pauses before expressing his greatest fear. “I’ve read about this thing with foster kids, reactive attachment disorder. That, like, because of their trauma they aren’t able to form normal relationships? Could this be going on?”

“Unlikely. Beyond the fact that he’s well past the age cutoff, Alex has one very important thing going for him.”

“Our love?” he asks sarcastically, earning an eye roll from his mother.

“No, his mother. Alex had a mother who loved and cared for him for the first twelve years of his life. That’s more of a solid foundation you can say for most kids in the system. Alex does know how to love and how to trust. He just needs to be reminded.”

“What do I do then?”

“Tell me what you’ve done so far.”

“I’m trying so hard to keep my cool, to keep my poker face on as he’s screaming at me. After everything he’s been through the last thing I want is for him to see me angry or out of control. He’s looking for a reaction. I’m not going to give it to him.”

“So, you’re saying you’re ignoring the bad behavior?”

Lin squirms a little under this scrutiny. “Kind of.”

“I’m not judging you, hon. It’s not a bad approach if the behaviors attention seeking, but in Alex’s case I don’t think that’s the case. Refusing to give a reaction can start to look a lot like ignoring his emotions, and in turn ignoring him.”

“Meaning I’m making it worse.” Of course he did. Fan-fucking-tastic.  

“Maybe seeing you lose your temper is exactly what he does need. It sounds to me like Alex is testing your limits, trying to find out what it looks like when you are at your worst. It could be he might need that information to feel safe.”

Huh. He nods for her to go on.

“So far Alex has created a schema in his head that all men will either abandon him or hurt him, and therefore can’t be trusted. You, my son, are an outlier to that theory, so he’s conducting a series of experiments to prove himself right. “

“Why would he want to be right about that?”

“Changing your entire worldview is scary. Right now it’s all Alex has got.”

“He’s got me.”

“You need to prove it to him.”

“By having a hissy fit at him?”

“He needs to know you aren’t going to abandon him or hurt him, even when you completely lose your temper. If he’s never seen it, how can he know for sure it’s not a possibility?”

It’s certainly a lot to think about.

\---------

On this particular morning, Lin greets both his boys at the kitchen table with a quick kiss on the head, where Alex sits eating breakfast with Sebastian and scrolling through his phone.

“Morning mijo. Did you sleep all right?”

“Your good morning tweets are stupid.”

Lin sighs. So, they are once again starting their morning on that note. They’ve _had_ this discussion/soon-to-be-screaming-fit already.

“They’re meant to be silly,” Lin says with a shrug, hoping to diffuse him and just move on.

“No, they’re not. They are meant to be all encouraging and deep, and these lemmings you call fans are idiotic enough to fall for it.”

“Alexander…” he warns. Warns of what is not known since there has yet to be any consequences for Alex’s inflammatory behavior.

“You are perfectly cast in your own life? What kind of shit is that? You get I actually have to go to school with people who read your twitter right? It’s fucking embarrassing!”

“Language! You know Seb’s getting to the age where he starts repeating things. I’m sorry I embarrass you mijo. However, it is my right as a dad.”

“You are **NOT** my father!” Alex snarls, slamming his phone down on the table. Here we go…

It’s noteworthy that at this point Sebastian doesn’t even see Alex’s fits as cause for concern anymore. In his baby mind it’s just part of the breakfast routine: meal and a show.

“I know that Alex. We’ve had this discussion before. I meant that in terms of being a father in general, not necessarily yours.”

Alex looks temporarily stricken by his words. Despite what he just said (and has many times before) Lin finds himself suspecting that Alex is secretly heartbroken by Lin’s confirmation.

“I do think of you as my kid though. I would be honored to be your father.”

Alex grips the edge of the table tightly at this, multiple emotions flash rapidly across his overly expressive face. Finally he settles on the safest option: anger.

 “Oh give me a break! You know the problem is I never should have let you get away with calling me mijo. It’s giving you all these daft ideas.”

“If you don’t like it Alex all you have to do is ask and I’ll stop. I was always under the impression that you found it comforting.”

“Yeah well, I don’t need some celebrity adopting me to prove how charitable you are. You can’t just Brangelina some brown kid to earn cool points with People magazine.”

“Dude, we are the exact same ethnicity so I don’t even know where you’re going with that one.” Lin finds it noteworthy that Alex changed the subject away from being called mijo. Both him and Vanessa know that calling him that while he’s in distress is soothing to him and likely Alex does too.

“Well, that proves you’re completely missing the point! And another thing Mr. Tony winner- “

“Alexander I really don’t have time for this.” Lin cuts him off. Risky move. “Can we please have one morning without you biting my head off?”

“Oh yeah, what stupid entertainer of the year celebrity nonsense do you have today?”

“Taking Sebastian to toddler playgroup.” And later a newspaper interview and skype meeting with Disney before the evening show, but Lin has enough sense to leave those parts out. Alex has such a soft spot for Sebastian this answer temporarily silences him for at least a moment, though Lin is sure he’s frantically trying to come up with a new topic to shout about. Because of this he attempts to change the subject to interrupt that thought process.

“Right then, since we’re all ready to go early this morning, how about we head down to the bodega for café and then Seb and I can walk you to school?”

Alex shrugs as though he doesn’t care, but Lin knows he has him. Like him, Alex is such a caffeine addict.

“Okay, go grab your backpack while I get this one’s shoes on. Before we go Alex, did you take your medications this morning?” he adds as an afterthought as he pulls Sebastian out of his high chair.

“Yes.” His tone is all wrong. Enough for Lin to be suspicious enough to check the pill organizer they keep in easy access on the kitchen counter. This mornings and last night’s compartments are still full.

“Um no, you actually didn’t. And you didn’t take your night pills either. Jesus Christ Alex! You know how important this is.”

Lin can feel the anger rising within him. His first instinct is to squash it out instantly, but remembering what his Mom said, leaves it to fester in the open. Alex looks temporarily startled by the report, but then glares back at him. It appears he found his new topic to be defiant about.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Why do you even care?!”

Not important when those pills are the only thing allowing Alex to be able to (mostly) function in this world as a typical teenager, rather than being constantly crippled by pain and anxiety. Unbelievable. The kids outdone himself this time.

“Right. I’m setting Sebastian up in his room with cartoons so we can have this discussion. I’ll be right back. Stay!”

Alex has enough sense to sit himself back down at the table at this command, looking half terrified, half triumphant. Is his Mom actually right about Alex wanting him to lose his temper? Man, this is messed up.

Though still steaming, Lin is relieved when he comes back that Alex hasn’t moved. He wouldn’t have had the foggiest idea what to do if he had bolted. Not that he’s doing much better now. The absolute panic in Alex’s eyes is plain to see, but still he crosses his arms and glares at him.

“What?!” he snarls.

“You know what! Your medicine. Alexander this is not at all acceptable. You are old enough that you should be trusted to take care of this yourself. What on earth were you thinking?” Lin sits down at the table next to him and glares back, doing his best to impersonate an angry but levelheaded tv dad.

Alex temporarily looks like he’s going to curl into himself and cry at the reprimand, that’s what the normal Alex would do, but this new teenage rage filled Alex currently in the driver’s seat has other ideas.

“I forget sometimes okay?! This isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s not a big deal. I’m fine!”

That does it. He’s not playing a part anymore. Lin truly is furious.

“Christ, no wonder you’re so moody lately.”

Alex stands up at this and half shouts in his face. “I am NOT moody!!”

Lin places his hands on the teens shoulders and firmly pushes him back into his seat. Alex just about jumps out of his skin from the touch, but doesn’t break eye contact. Lin’s instincts are screaming at him to back off, not to touch him when he’s like this or do anything that could cause distress. But his mom’s words tell him to keep going, that Alex needs to see that it’s possible for him to lose his temper without hurting him.

“See right there you just proved me right. You damn well have been. These medications are powerful stuff with the brain we’re dealing with Alex. I know you were there when Dr. Livermore talked to you about this. Several of the pills you’re on causes withdrawal symptoms when going off them abruptly. You know this! You could have fucking seizures from what you’re doing!”

“Well maybe I just don’t care!” Alex is positively shaking with rage now and…fear?

“I don’t believe that. One things for sure though, Vanessa and I will be checking in with your pill organizer morning and night for the foreseeable future to make sure you’re taking it.”

“That won’t matter. How will you know I’m not just dumping it out?” That seems like more of a cheap taunt than a genuine threat, but it still makes Lin’s blood run cold.

“Then we’ll start watching you take it and check under your tongue like a closed psych ward. Is that really what you want?!”

“No…” Alex deflates a little, seeming to realize he pushed too far this time.

“Alexander I just cannot believe you! It is one thing to stop under doctor’s supervision if the side effects are a problem, lord knows we’ve gone through that dance, or if they weren’t working, but neither is the case. This combination is _working_. These past few months have been the best we’ve had.” 

“I told you I don’t care!!! It’s not like I’m hurting anyone so shut up about it.”

All the nights he’s spent worrying about Alex, all the times he’s lost sleep worried about Alex’s health, all the times he’s stumbled over his lines during a show because he can’t get Alex’s latest migraine out of his head. And he says that.  

“Do you not get that when you have a migraine or panic attack, or just a really bad day with anxiety or insomnia, it doesn’t just happen to you in a singular bubble? It also happens to me and Vanessa, which in turn effects Sebastian and our jobs. You can’t just use the excuse that you’re only hurting yourself cause it’s not true.”

“I’m sorry to be such an inconvenience!”

“Alexander Hamilton, you know damn well that’s not what I mean! I don’t appreciate this emotional manipulation.”

“I hate you!” Alex roars. Oh, that’s original.

“Well, I love you so HA!”

Alex freezes at this, trying and failing to collect himself. He’s shaking like a leaf and breathing heavily.

“You might be a royal pain in the ass, but you’re our pain in the ass, so at least until you turn eighteen you’re stuck with me. Like it or not, you are my kid.”

It’s so obvious just looking at Alex’s face that he just doesn’t even know how to process this. It’s like the part of his brain that is responsible for that has forgotten how to function. Poor kid.

“I don’t want to be,” Alex mumbles, no longer making eye contact.

“We both know that’s not true Alex. You’re just saying that because of this stupid anger game you’ve been playing lately.”

Alex looks dumbfounded, probably surprised that Lin knows as well as him that this had all been an act.

“I’m not stupid,” he at last sputters, the venom in his voice making a resurgence.

“I know you’re not mijo, but some of the ways you’ve been acting lately sure- “

Lin never gets to finish that sentence as Alex chooses that moment to throw a punch at him. Lin manages to block the blow just in time, catching Alex’s offending arm in his own in a firm hold.

This is the breaking point.

Alex screams bloody murder until he releases him (which only takes a matter of seconds) and then drops to the ground. He curls into a fetal position and throws up his hands to protect his head.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Oh god. Don’t hurt me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh god. I’m sorry.”

This had been the goal, or so his Mom suggested, but watching Alex rock back and forth on the ground, terrified out of his mind, it seems like more of a failure than a win. Lin feels like a complete asshole for bringing Alex to this state. Slowly and carefully he crouches down next to him, but keeps a careful distance with his hands in the air so Alex knows he’s not going to touch him.

“Alexander I’m not going to hurt you. No matter what you do, how horrible or even violent you are I will never hurt you. Never. No matter what you are safe here.”

“For how long?” Alex wheezes.

“What?”

“I’m leaving after this right?”

“No, absolutely not. That is not how things work in families, real families, and not how things work with you and me. Don’t you get that we want this to be your forever home?”

Alex isn’t able to respond to this, probably because his breathing has deteriorated past the point of no return as he hyperventilates.

“All right mijo, it’s time to breathe. Nice and slow. Can you do that for me? Everything is going to be fine. Would you like me to count in Spanish?”

Alex nods.

“Okay. Uno, dos, tres, respirar.” Alex takes a slow breath in.  “Cuatro, cinco, seis, exhalar.” Alex lets out the breath. They continue that way for several minutes with Lin counting and telling him when to breathe and Alex following along. By the time they get to treinta y cinco his breathing has fully stabilized. It never fails to work.

“Beuno Alexander. Much better. Is it okay if I touch you now?”

“Solo un poco,” he whispers tearfully. That’s new. Alex loves to be spoken to in Spanish, but he almost never speaks it back to them. It’s like a part of himself he denies.

“Fair enough.” Lin scoots in until they are almost touching and rests his hands on his shoulder, but doesn’t take it further. What he’d really like to do is take Alex in his arms and never let go, but in this moment there is nothing more important than respecting his boundaries.

“I meant it you know. Vanessa and I intend for you to stay with us until your grown and ready to move out.”

“I don’t understand why. I’ve been the worst. The absolute worst. You don’t hate me after all that?”

“Do you want me to hate you?”

Alex’s whisper into his knees is so quiet it’s almost missed. “I needed to know if you could.”

“I know mijo. I know. Trust is hard for you, especially after everything you’ve been through. You’ve been testing me.”

“I’m sorry.” At this the damn finally breaks and he bursts into uncontrollable tears.

“Oh Alex, honey, I wish you didn’t have to make things so difficult for yourself. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to ask? But to answer the question you’ve been indirectly asking all month, I am never going to hate you. I am never going to hurt you or touch you in a way that’s inappropriate. I am never going to abandon you. No matter what.”

“You’re never going to die?”

Crap. In spite of all the horrible things that have been done to him, the worst by far was his mother dying on him. That’s the one thing he can’t promise.

“I can promise not to ever kill myself and I can promise to try to take care of myself and stay healthy, but I’m afraid that’s all I can do. But I’ll do my darndest not to for a very long time. Okay?”

 “Okay.”

“Can I hug you now?”

“Please.”

Lin embraces Alex tightly, clinging to him as though he was never going to let him go, as if he holds on long enough he can make Alex finally understand how much he matters to him.

“Hey Lin?” Alex breathes into his shoulder.  

“Yes, mi Corazon.” Lin realizes that he’s never called him that outside of severe illness. He needs to more.

“Yesterday night was the first time I forgot to take my pills. I just got busy and forgot. I’m sorry. I lied about the other times. I just- I saw how mad you were and I wanted to…”

“Make it worse?”

Alex ducks his head in shame. Thank goodness this was just a onetime thing. He had been ready to drag Alex kicking and screaming to the nearest urgent care to get checked out.

Lin sighs. “Alexander, doesn’t the fact that you knew that the one thing that would send me over the edge was you deliberately causing yourself harm tell you something?”

“You love me?” Alex whispers in a question even though Lin had just said it not long ago.

“So much. You are my son Alex. Te amo.”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Right, this has been fun, but this is also my last night of winter break. I’m not saying I won’t still write, but I do have a lovely classroom full of munchkins that take priority. So don’t be surprised it slows down a lot. Feel free to talk to me/prompt me on tumblr (I can probably do drabbles) anytime. Thanks to all the lovely people who have read and commented. You’ve made my break so happy!


End file.
